Today I want to share a poem I wrote several years ago when I was going through counseling for the abuse I had experienced as a child. I hope you enjoy it. It's entitled Escape.
If you watch it, you won’t see it.
Sonny and Cher
Yogi the Bear
They will keep you from harm.
If you eat it, you won’t taste it.
Suzy Q’s for a mile.
A quarter for a Choc O’ Dile.
No bitterness will arise.
If you drink it, you won’t feel it.
Afternoon, Evening, Morning.
Numbness keeps away the mourning.
No need to worry for the ache.
If you listen to it, you won’t hear it.
Blondie, Cyndi Lauper, Cream.
All drown out the silent inner scream.
The perfect space.
If you live it, you won’t escape it.
Memories, nightmares, heart-stabbing pain.
Every day you smell the rain.
The mountain ever grows higher.
As a child, I used the television as an escape from the horrific life I was living. If I watched TV, I could block everything else out. Even now if I am not careful I can get lost in watching TV. I will watch TV until two or three o'clock in the morning just to numb my brain. I have to be careful with how much TV I watch. I don't even own a TV anymore. If I want to watch a movie I just rent one online.
Food has always been a comfort aid for me. Many times I start to eat something like a Choc O’ Dile or Suzy Q and realize I don't even like them anymore. It's the memory of the comfort I used to get from them that is the useful part of the whole experience.
Alcohol was another aid to me. I started drinking when I was 12, and it wasn't long before is was drinking a lot. Once I realized that I could forget by drinking and not have to feel the pain I was totally on board. The only problem was it eventually caught up with me. When I started having flashbacks there wasn't much I could do about it. I was no longer drinking heavily and I don't think it would have helped even if I had started drinking excessively again. At some point, you just have to deal with it.
Music was also a comfort to me. I could escape in the songs and not have to think about how much my life sucked. I had music on constantly. I even played music all night long while I slept. This did not keep the nightmares and pain away. It just created a distraction.
I have always loved the rain. I don't know what it is about the rain but it helps me cope. The smell, the sound, being out in it- I love everything about rain.